Merdeka

I am not a patriotic person. Never have been, probably never will be.

This is Malaysia, after all, where the police force are so corrupt that they would actually ask for bribes.

Where our politicians, our so-called leaders bicker in parliament like kindergarteners and live off the people's taxes.

Where there is supposed freedom of speech, but where respected journalists are imprisoned and peaceful demonstrations are dispersed by tear gas and deemed seditious.

Where there is supposed freedom of religion, but where religious leaders feel that their people are so stupid that they can't even discern between their own teachings and teachings of other religions.

Where the education system is such a mess where students are treated as guinea pigs for the governments innovative experiments.

Where there is supposed to be no racial bias but where scholarships are decided mostly by race.

Where there is ISA. Which is why I should stop writing :)

But yet, I still care for Malaysia.

After all, this is the country where its people can somehow converse in several languages in a single conversation.

This is the country where most people of many races and religions mix and get along well. Most of the time.

This is the country where food is uniquely Malaysian and always delicious.

This is the country that produced the no. 1 in squash and badminton.

This is a country where we can still be connected to the rest of the world through the Internet.

This is a country whose people are fairly prosperous and can sleep peacefully in their beds at night.

This is the country where I have almost all of my family and friends.

I am still not a very patriotic person. Malaysia isn't anywhere near perfect. Very, very, very far, actually. But I couldn't imagine my life and home anywhere else.

Happy 52nd Merdeka, everyone!

The Book of If

So A level results are out! And here is what they look like:

Bio - B(!)
Chem - A
Maths - A
Physics - B

Alright, I know that before results came out I may have said that I would be happy with just passing. Haha. All the bad spots in exams just kept running through my head when I said that.

But I have to be honest. I'm not really that happy about my results. Well, physics is ok, but I was really hoping for better with bio. In fact, the kiasu side of me thinks I should have the subject rechecked and remarked. Sigh. The extremely kiasu side thinks no respectable university would want to give me any kind of scholarship because there are too many people better than me.

I hate to admit it too, but the egotistical side has been slightly bruised, even though it has no business to be. Even worse, how I feel right now is much due to people's perception of me. What will people think when I only got 2A's for my A levels? What will they think when the A I originally got for bio for AS has been downgraded to a second-grade B? I've looked down on others before, what would stop them from looking down on me?

Sigh. It's all just in my head.

I suppose, looking back, there were many things I could have and should have done better. I think if I had worked just a little harder I would have been able to get straight A's. But there's a lot of ifs. It could fill a book. In fact, The Book of If would be the longest ever written. And it would never be finished either.

But now I digress a bit. As I write this now, I'm congratulating some of my friends who did pretty darn well. And I'm truly, genuinely happy for everyone that did well. Being happy for them makes me feel a little better about myself. But there is a small, bitter part of me that wonders, how did they do better than me? But then, I only know how hard I worked. I know I didn't do my best. I think everyone else probably worked pretty damn hard to do well. But in the end, it's only me that's putting myself under this stress. Absolutely no one I know has ever hoped for me to do badly at something. So I'm very thankful to be somehow surrounded by people that are terrifically encouraging of me.

Perhaps with A Levels well and truly a thing of the past, maybe I can go on with my life. I feel like my life has been in some kind of limbo while waiting for my results. If only I did better for bio, I'd be as happy as a clam. If only, right?

Ah well. It'll take a while for me to close that book. It's over and done with. Time to move on. The laidback side of me thinks I'll be ok.

(I still feel like I should send bio for rechecking. Even if it comes back the same result, at least I'll be sure. Or maybe that's just the denial speaking.)

A Few More Hours

That's right, A Level results will be released in just 9 hours! I thought I would be able to prepare myself mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and whatever other aspect, but it's been somewhat unsuccessful.

Then I tried to downplay the importance of these results, but then I realised it wouldn't work either. Denial may bring bliss, but it's temporary bliss.

So I guess I'll have to take it as it comes. Nothing else I can do, right?

Except to toss and turn all night and think about what I could have done better.

Sigh. I think it might be a long night.

The Much-Fabled Bukit Tabur

So this morning I finally climbed the much-fabled Bukit Tabur, which I've been wanting to do so for quite a while, along with Alicia, Andrew, Daryl, Elise, Jen Lyn, Phraveen and Vishal. To those who don't know, it's the hill/mountain behind Melawati where people can go hiking. Yes, I know that's a most accurate description.

This was actually my first time hiking/mountain-climbing/jungle-trekking. So this was something completely new for me. Heck, this was probably my first time doing anything this outdoorsy. Well, there was that Gua Tempurung trip in Form 1 (which was quite fun), but that's a whole other story.

I think I seriously underestimated the difficulty of the trail (and probably overestimated my own fitness as well. Haha.) I'm not quite sure which was the most physically taxing; going up the steep, rocky trail which left me an unpleasant combination of slight nausea, mild cramping and numerous stitches in my sides; climbing up and down near vertical rock faces; or descending the slippery, earth-sodden path which made me highly value the flexibility of my knees and ankles. Not to mention I got stung by a bee for the first time. Heh.

Alright, so the experience was long (3 hours 45 minutes), exhausting (the legs ache pretty much everywhere) and quite, quite painful, but I actually really enjoyed the whole thing (not so much the bee sting though). Maybe it's my dormant sense of adventure. Hehe. My Aunty K would be proud.

Next up, Mount Kinabalu! Woot!

That Sneaky Time

It's been more than month since A Levels finished, and it seems that pretty much everyone that finished the same time me has pretty much their futures sewn up. Alright, so perhaps that's a slight exaggeration, but a definite academic course of action seems to be already etched on one's own life plan. People are shooting off to the States, the UK, other unis around the country.

Incidentally, I didn't plan on waiting for my results (just 10 days away!) before making any actual inquiries or applications to university. Somehow it was already exam time before I realised it, and now almost two months has passed and I haven't really done anything for my academic future. Somehow I feel that so many others are able to make things happen for themselves, but I only seem to wait for things to happen to me.

But I manged to tell myself this counter-argument. That the time I spend not applying or inquiring into various universities could be spent for self-discovery instead. Which I find most appealing, because I'm still not entirely decided on what course I want to study. I don't want to rush into studying into some random thing just for the sake of studying. Maybe I could spend the time doing my research, trying out new things, get a job.

The one small hole in that lovely theory is that I haven't done much of those either.

So I guess that leads to my first argument. That I should take action instinctively. Without hesitation or fear of change and/or failure. But I think it's mostly change. My life has been quite so safe and comfortable up to now that maybe I'd rather not change.

But to be honest, it's getting rather boring. So maybe that will galvanise me into action. That and the prospect of my A Levels results (*gasps and shudders simultaneously*).

And then there's driving too. Dammit la. What the hell am I doing with myself?

The Actual Aftermath

I feel a little lethargic. Maybe it's because of the sudden abundance of free time I have now that A levels are done and dusted. Or maybe I was just so used to the stress that I didn't how to get on without it. That sounded both strange and rather sad.

But it felt great not to no longer have the pressure of studying, nor the fear of the consequences of NOT studying. For a while, anyway. It's been only a few days, but these few days have made me feel like I should be doing something more productive, instead of sitting at home all day long.
But that's more or less what I've wanted while I was still studying. The freedom to not do anything productive whatsoever.

There, I'm ranting again. Not sure if it made any sense, but who the hell cares, right? Well, not me anyway. But this should not be mistaken for me wanting to go through all that insanity. I'd rather become part of the furniture. But yes, activities need to planned for myself. Not to mention my academic future. But that's whole other story.

OK, I don't really have much time, because I have to leave for church before 5.30. And then later tonight I'll be leaving for Redang with the collegemates. Muahahaha. Perhaps a good holiday will get me out this slump. So I really need to start packing right now.

************

Rest in the peace of Christ, Mr Dass. I meant to post something on you but I really couldn't think of what to write. So I hope this would suffice.

The de facto Aftermath

Technically, my exams aren't over yet, but I feel as though I've earned a reprieve after surviving the double whammy that was Chemistry 4 and Physics 4 today, as well as Bio 4 and Pure Maths last friday. For some reason, the scheduling monkeys at Cambridge decided to put the two papers with the highest percentage (38%!) on the same day. Somehow, today felt like the de facto climax of the whole exam season, because I probably won't be feeling the same degree of stress that I've had the past few days.

Honestly, the stress has been so bad the past few days that not only have I been able to sleep only after tossing and turning for about an hour, my dreams have consisted of twisted permutations of infinitely large exam halls and human-sized A4 papers that try to smother while I keep trying to fall asleep. And then I have to get up to study to calm myself down.

To be frank, all this stress is completely my own fault. I really did not work anywhere near as hard as I should have, and I spent part of Tuesday night wondering how in the name of all things holy I managed to pull myself into this supermassively ginormous black hole.

OK, so I'm pushing the boundaries of credible vocabulary. But the last-minute pressure was really something I hadn't experienced before, so much so that I almost wanted to throw in the proverbial towel. Or in this case, several tonnes of notes, exercises and past-year questions. (Well, maybe not tonnes; kilos would be more realistic. But that's still a lot.)

But anyway, I managed to get through it. And I should be going through my notes for my resit of physics practical tomorrow. I think it'll be ok though, it takes up only 12% of the overall marks, and I think practical for physics is considerably easier and more straightforward than say, chemistry, which always has the potential for unmitigated catastrophe .

I finish exams on tuesday, which is only 6 days away! A Levels will be done and dusted. Woot!

Tagged - by Jun Yow

Personal Details

1. What's your name? Darren Cheah.
2. If you could change your name what would it be? Jericho. Well, it's my blog name.
3. What is your age? 18.
4. What is the age your waiting for to come? 19.
5. Whats your address? Taman Melawati. I'm not giving the full address alright? After that I kena stalked.
6. If you can stay anywhere, where would you stay? Antarctica. But given it's slightly lacking modern civilization, maybe Ireland instead.
7. When was the last time you cried? Last year's Overnight Vigil.
8. When did you have the best sleepover? The last sleepover I had was the Sunway thing. I'm not sure if that counts; after all, it was six of us in one hotel room with one bed.
9. What was the last song you heard? Amy Winehouse - Back to Black.
10. When was the most dramatic and sad crying moment you've ever had? At last year's Overnight Vigil, during the Adoration. It was like Niagara Falls.
11. When was the last time you said "I Love You" to the girl you love? The last time is yet to come.
12. What were your last words for the person you love and now she's gone? You lost me at goodbye.
13. When was the last time you hugged someone? I don't remember. I don't hug people that often, honestly.
14. Had any love letters, song dedicated to you, roses, chocolates or other stuff relating to love? Nope. Shouldn't these questions come under the 'about love' section?
15. If you answered yes to question 14 then when was the first time you got it? The first time would be the first time la. Obviously it won't be the second time.
16. Who was the last person you chat with on msn? I don't remember. Heck, I haven't been on MSN for weeks.
17. Has a girl ever called you handsome? Nope. If she did, I'll be on the guard for hidden agendas.
18. Has a girl ever liked you before? I dunno. How would I know anyway?
19. Do you actually love your enemies? I don't have any enemies. At least, I don't think so.
20. Do you like someone? Plenty of people. Family and friends, for instance.
21. Do you hate your family at times? Very seldom nowadays. That's a good thing right?
22. Are you blessed to be who you are today? Absolutely.
23. Are you a rule-breaker? Depends on the rule. And the consequences.
24. Did you cry yourself to sleep before? No. How can you fall asleep lying on a wet pillow anyway?
25. Are you Asian? No. Earth-dweller.
26. Are you in love with a movie star? YES! I have a secret *fill in any random celebrity* scrapbook where I keep my beloved's sweet wrappers and used tissues.
27. Are you gay? Methinks not.
28. Have you ever eaten something rotten and it taste good? No, I can usually smell the rottenness first.
29. Do you prefer girls or boys better? They're both good :)
30. Do you think one of your friends will become a beggar when they grow up? Perhaps. But it wouldn't count, since the poeple I have in mind are probably not my friends.
31. Would you rather lick peanut butter of a hobo's foot or lick it of your dog's butt? I would have to observe the state of the prospective foot and/or butt.
32. Would you rather give up your books or your music collection for a month? Music. I like my books. But I have the radio and TV on most of the time. So that might be a problem.
33. Would you rather eat the same food for one whole week or eat ants for one whole week? The same food la. But I were eating for one whole week, I'd still be eating the same food for one whole. Is this some kind of trick question?
34. Would you rather stick your head into a trash can or into a river full of trash? Trash can. The Klang River and Gombak River are radioactive. It's just a hypothesis though; I don't want to be the one to test it.
35. Would you rather have the same old subject with different teachers or different subjects with the same teacher? Is it possible for one teacher to be able to teach many different subjects?

About Love

1. Name 3 guys you like as brothers. I'd rather have them as friends.
2. Why do you like them as brothers? Because I don't like them as friends.
3. Name 3 girls you like as sisters. Again, rather them be my friends.
4. Why do you like them as sisters? See no. 2.
5. Name 3 teachers you like. Alex Chan, Chuah SP, Mr. Ganesh.
6. Why do you like them? Alex - because my foundation in chemistry is rock solid. Chuah - because I think he might haunt me if I didn't put him here. Come to think of it, I don't think he ever cared about being liked. Ganesh - because Benjamin made him seem like a godsend.
7. Would you cry if the ones on top you mentioned for the boys, girls, teachers died tomorrow? Well, Chuah's moved on. And I didn't cry. I did write that very nice tribute though.
8. What is love? Love is not hate.
9. When did you found out about love? In my lifetime.
10. Do you hate them sometimes? Oh yes. I hate "them" a lot.
11. What colour shirt are you wearing now? Green.
12. What colour is your pants? Dark blue.
13. What are you doing? Attempting to study Electromagnetism. But obviously I'm blogging instead.
14. How do you feel? Hungry. And stressed and strained. I must have a very, very high Young Modulus (understandable only for those who study physics).

For some reason all my tags seem to come from Jun Yow. Anyway, I tag anyone on my list who hasn't done this yet.

Point Form

Right. First of all, my blog has not become extinct. It's just been dormant, like a volcano. Yes, I just compared my blog to a volcano. But I have a valid excuse, unfortunately which has almost everything to do with my trial and impending exams. I have been excessively lazy to update as well, but I don't think that qualifies as an excuse.

OK, so since it's been two months since I last had any digital contact with this blog (or any other online journal, for that matter), I shall take a cue from Amelia and attempt to shorten the tales of the past two months into point form.

• Ironically, I'm typing this from the CIT, when I just held my ground against temptation (well, Daryl and Vishal actually) to go cybercafeing. Oh, I know, people will think, since when does Darren ever go to CC? Just once before actually; but you can never go wrong with computer games that involve visceral violence and mass destruction on a digital scale.
• Dammit, that was too long. This is supposed to be in point form!
• Trials was dreadful. The only thing I will say is that bio, physics and chem are now on equal ground. Let's leave that and move on.
• A2 is in 3 weeks. That, boys and girls, is a very, very short time.
• Celebrated Kern Wen's birthday on Friday. It was great to see everyone again. I find it interesting that everything is still the same even though I only see them every several weeks, and months sometimes.
• I think captainball is the only exercise I've been getting for the past 2 1/2 months.
• I am going to be involved in another performance thingy for church, this time about the life of St. Paul. Not that I had much of a choice, Mum's already been in discussions for weeks.
• Sha just told me that I should be studying; this is my response.
• After exams: Redang trip with college mates, 13th-16th June; Langkawi trip (hopefully I can go this time) with school friends, I don't know when; Shan and Laura coming home, 20th June to 11th July (that's the plan).
• I might go to Australia next year to study, though nothing certain yet. I really wish I had been more proactive about my university prospects.
• I am now an official church organist. It started with church piano, so one might say that I've been upgraded (or downgraded, depending on your disposition).
• I had my IELTS last Saturday, which went better than I thought it would, especially the Speaking component.
• I'm resitting AS physics. Even more reason to study.

I can't believe I actually remembered to do this (by Jun Yow and Cheryl):

DIRECTION: Once you've been tagged, you have to write a post with sixteen random things, habits or goals about you. At last, choose five people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them.

1. I've always wanted to visit Antarctica.
2. I have a thing for geology and astronomy. I have a thing for science in general, actually.
3. The Biggest Loser is my new favourite reality show.
4. The one thing I always do when I go online is to check the tennis news.
5. Speaking of which, tennis is the only sport which I care about.
6. My mum is a Manchester United fan; but my brother's for Liverpool.
7. I just don't get football; honestly I couldn't care less if both MU and Liverpool get relegated over Portsmouth and Wigan Athletic.
8. My favourite place in any mall is the bookstore. Say or think what you will.
9. I don't really like sharing books. If I do lend books, there are certain rules the borrower must adhere to. Not so much about textbooks though. I have gotten a little better since my school days.
10. I happen to also enjoy comics. There, I have variation in my reading!
11. I think I watch the E! channel a bit too much.
12. I have a memory for selected and totally unnecessary information.
13. I once painted one of my nails during bio practical.
14. I have seven bags of plastic under my desk which I will take for recycling once I learn how to drive. Which will be very,very soon. After my exams anyway.
15. What the heck's so great about Mafia and Restaurant City?
16. I tend to overthink things. Like how I just spent the last one minute trying to think of the last random thing.

I shall tag --

• Sha ~ because she's told me several times to update my blog and I didn't.
• Sarah ~ since we're formerweds.
• Phraveen ~ I'm not sure if he even knows I have a blog.
• Alyssa ~ just for the sake of doing so.
• Leconte ~ just to fill the last space. And I'm quite sure he won't do this.

I'm not sure I should go to the library or go home. Either way, I need to study. How many times did I mention that I need to study? OK, I should stop now.

Quick Update

Alright alright, I know I have been neglecting my blog of late. Fine, not of late, for the past month.

Honestly, I'm feeling rather tired at the moment, and I don't any inspirational energy to write smart or interesting. Not to mention I have extra classes tomorrow. So this is just something for February and to let people know that I haven't completely abandoned this blog. And that I haven't died yet either.

Oh, and Happy belated Birthday Chin Hong! All right, I should confess that I don't remember the exact date of your birthday, just that it's in late February. And sorry for missing your party! So I hope this will be good enough.

And because she has pestering me to say so the last couple of times I saw her, it shall be stated that Cheryl is an awesome driver. Except for that slight mishap with the ticket booth and potted plant. Don't pretend you don't remember!

Back to the Ball and Chain

Ahh... so college began once more on Monday. It's almost like going back to school, as we follow the public school holidays. All new timetables, some new lecturers, and somehow I feel like I'm already back to college routine even after five weeks of holidays.

For instance, today I asked my applied maths lecturer what'll be coming out for the upcoming tests. Yes, on the second day of the new semester. The disturbing thing is that I only realized the kiasuness when Harn reminded that it was indeed the second of the new semester. This is what happens when one has trials by the end of March and has to finish studying A2 by then. Which is quite a lot and a period of time which will pass faster than we realize.

Blegh... again I'm blogging too much on college stuff. Honestly I couldn't think of anything else to blog about. I have to try to blog on other things.

And I suppose I should apologize to those people (ahem) that freaked out when I posted about the pseudo-release of AS results in my panic-induced stupor. And for correcting it 10 days late. Ahem. Ahem.

2009!

2009 has officially begun! Muahahaha... Anyway, I have decided to list out resolutions for the new year; though whether or not they will be done is another matter altogether...

1. Work my ass off (and any other body part if I have to) to do well for my A2.
2. Have a definite plan for university and courses by March.
3. Lose all (or at least 75%) of my body fat and become healthier and fitter.
4. Not run away when I see people with whom I'm afraid of experiencing (imagined or feared) awkward conversations or situations.
5. Give birthday and christmas presents to family.
6. Further increase my piano-playing skills and knowledge in basic music theory and harmony.
7. Continue learning to play my violin, and not lose my patience even if it makes my ears bleed.
8. Get some kind of music player.
9. Learn to f***ing drive, and not put it off for 2010.
10. Be as environmentally conscious as financially possible.
11. Be more friendly, sociable and outgoing.
12. Don't be afraid to speak or to be myself.
13. Open up more to friends and family.
14. Always think the best of others.
15. Take chances (sensible ones, anyway).
16. Be more optimistic and relaxed in everthing I do.

And that, good readers, is what I plan to do for myself in 2009. I wonder if it's more than the usual number of resolutions than people normally do. Hmm... Anyway, cheers to a great 2009, everyone! :D