The Book of If

So A level results are out! And here is what they look like:

Bio - B(!)
Chem - A
Maths - A
Physics - B

Alright, I know that before results came out I may have said that I would be happy with just passing. Haha. All the bad spots in exams just kept running through my head when I said that.

But I have to be honest. I'm not really that happy about my results. Well, physics is ok, but I was really hoping for better with bio. In fact, the kiasu side of me thinks I should have the subject rechecked and remarked. Sigh. The extremely kiasu side thinks no respectable university would want to give me any kind of scholarship because there are too many people better than me.

I hate to admit it too, but the egotistical side has been slightly bruised, even though it has no business to be. Even worse, how I feel right now is much due to people's perception of me. What will people think when I only got 2A's for my A levels? What will they think when the A I originally got for bio for AS has been downgraded to a second-grade B? I've looked down on others before, what would stop them from looking down on me?

Sigh. It's all just in my head.

I suppose, looking back, there were many things I could have and should have done better. I think if I had worked just a little harder I would have been able to get straight A's. But there's a lot of ifs. It could fill a book. In fact, The Book of If would be the longest ever written. And it would never be finished either.

But now I digress a bit. As I write this now, I'm congratulating some of my friends who did pretty darn well. And I'm truly, genuinely happy for everyone that did well. Being happy for them makes me feel a little better about myself. But there is a small, bitter part of me that wonders, how did they do better than me? But then, I only know how hard I worked. I know I didn't do my best. I think everyone else probably worked pretty damn hard to do well. But in the end, it's only me that's putting myself under this stress. Absolutely no one I know has ever hoped for me to do badly at something. So I'm very thankful to be somehow surrounded by people that are terrifically encouraging of me.

Perhaps with A Levels well and truly a thing of the past, maybe I can go on with my life. I feel like my life has been in some kind of limbo while waiting for my results. If only I did better for bio, I'd be as happy as a clam. If only, right?

Ah well. It'll take a while for me to close that book. It's over and done with. Time to move on. The laidback side of me thinks I'll be ok.

(I still feel like I should send bio for rechecking. Even if it comes back the same result, at least I'll be sure. Or maybe that's just the denial speaking.)